dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
