My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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