Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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