I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Jerry, you need to find god
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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