Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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