Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
