Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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