I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
