I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
