i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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