Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
