you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
