Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
