We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
