so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
