cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
