u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
