I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
