Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
