why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
