Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
