he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
