Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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