No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
