I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
