Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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