I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
