Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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