just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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