dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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