i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
