It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You are the jesus of drinking
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
