She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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