I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
