come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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