it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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