Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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