I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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