the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
