Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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