oh god the rape fog is back!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
