Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
