I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
