Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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