Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
