i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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