i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
