I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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