True but thats because hes a fetus.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
