I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
