He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
