Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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