Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
