I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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